Last weekend Aaron and I drove through the mountains and went to the house in Chelan Washington,. The drive through the mountains was totally amazing the fall colors were at an all time high. I was thinking how beautiful the colors were and so many thoughts were running through my head.
We have many evergreen trees they never change colors they are strong and for the most part unchangeable . Then there is the multitude of other trees with all the vibrant colors of fall that we all love. driving through the mountains I was looking at all the trees evergreen trees all along side the mountain and splashes of color through out the forrest. I was lost in thought. the maple trees change they are stable, they undergo a transformation every year. they can't stop this transformation it happens. They could scream and protest but their leaves are still going to change. I feel that way with things in my life I have undergone a transformation and i didn't like all the changes but I had no control over the circumstances in my life. they things I though were stable ended up changing and I had to adjust to the changes, no matter how much the changes hurt I was at a loss to stop them. When others look at all the changes will they see the beauty created like we do when we see the changing leaves?
I was thinking about the unchanging evergreen tree the stable tree. There are so many things in my life that I want to be described as stable. My love for my husband and kids that needs to remain stable. My dedication to my Family- Stable those are the stable things in my life. I wish I could add my relationship to God in this stable area but it is changing. I feel so alone in this journey of change and instability in my life.
I question how so many things I thought were stable areas of my life appear to be in stable. How things change. the journey Aaron I have been on has been a changing one but is now stable.
I hope to leave a legacy of stability through the changes of life a nice compramise if I do say so myself.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Update on my life
Well I have tried to make this post on many occasions but the words will just not come. So much I need to say but my thoughts are like a whirlwind within my head. I will try my best to summarize what is going on.
Situation with kids--- The kids legal issue is over and it was a very exhausting legal battle. The sixteen year old kid only received 7 days in juvenile detention, 200 hours of community service and he is in a treatment program for 2 years. He also registers as a sex offender. The kids received a restraining order for their lifetime from this jerk. I am struggling with how do you forgive a person who hurts your children. I just don't know if I am capable of that depth of forgiveness. Do you forgive someone for this? for changing your children's lives forever? the fear that they face and the insecurity that they feel everyday. It has changed me as a mother I don't remember how to relax. It is exhausting. My life is a constant whirlwind of emotions that are unable to be processed because I have to keep going!
Situation with Aaron-- Well the wonderful judge did not seem to like us in court a few weeks ago. She felt that if I was dumb enough to not see that my husband was cheating on me than I might be dumb enough to miss something with my own kids. She Asked what type of women would stay with a man after an affair. She clearly did not agree with my decision and said Aaron Could not come Home As of April 13 2011 it doesn't matter what she thinks my husband is coming home. Back to counting the days.
Situation with me--I am so overwhelmed and depressed it scares me at times. My faith in God is truely shaken to the core right now I know all the things to tell myself God didn't want this to happen to my family but I struggle with God could have stopped this happening to my family and that is where I feel abandon by God. I know I shouldn't but I do.
So that sums up where I am at in my life right now. I am going to try to blog more it really helps me in venting my frustration. I realize that probably no one reads my blog which is totatly fine but if you do please don't just judge me I am trying to be real here and work thinks out in my head.
Thanks
Situation with kids--- The kids legal issue is over and it was a very exhausting legal battle. The sixteen year old kid only received 7 days in juvenile detention, 200 hours of community service and he is in a treatment program for 2 years. He also registers as a sex offender. The kids received a restraining order for their lifetime from this jerk. I am struggling with how do you forgive a person who hurts your children. I just don't know if I am capable of that depth of forgiveness. Do you forgive someone for this? for changing your children's lives forever? the fear that they face and the insecurity that they feel everyday. It has changed me as a mother I don't remember how to relax. It is exhausting. My life is a constant whirlwind of emotions that are unable to be processed because I have to keep going!
Situation with Aaron-- Well the wonderful judge did not seem to like us in court a few weeks ago. She felt that if I was dumb enough to not see that my husband was cheating on me than I might be dumb enough to miss something with my own kids. She Asked what type of women would stay with a man after an affair. She clearly did not agree with my decision and said Aaron Could not come Home As of April 13 2011 it doesn't matter what she thinks my husband is coming home. Back to counting the days.
Situation with me--I am so overwhelmed and depressed it scares me at times. My faith in God is truely shaken to the core right now I know all the things to tell myself God didn't want this to happen to my family but I struggle with God could have stopped this happening to my family and that is where I feel abandon by God. I know I shouldn't but I do.
So that sums up where I am at in my life right now. I am going to try to blog more it really helps me in venting my frustration. I realize that probably no one reads my blog which is totatly fine but if you do please don't just judge me I am trying to be real here and work thinks out in my head.
Thanks
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Still going......
It has been almost a year since my sweet daughter informed that someone was "tickling her on her pee pee" It was in her daycare and the son of my good friend that was touching her. The first few weeks are a complete blur of emotions that you experience. Then to find out he had hurt my son also was almost more than I thought my heart was going to be able to digest. We ended up switching churches because we both couldn't attend the same church. To say my faith has been shaken is quite an understatement.
In the weeks that followed we were giving statements to detectives, CPS, and Child counselors. Everyone tries so hard to help you sort out the legal process and the mental trials your child is going to go through. No one can prepare you for how this is going to affect so many areas of your life. the security your child feels is gone after being violated like this. They are scared to go out in public for fear that they may see this person. They sleep with the lights on every night so when they wake up with the nightmares they can make sure HE is not there. Weekly counseling appointments to help them digest all the feelings that they are going through. Sitting in those sessions watching your child deal with post traumatic stress disorder and curling up on the floor crying is more than any mother should have to endure.
The legal process is overwhelming and stressful as you attend all the hearings and just seeing this person again the emotional exhaustion you feel is indescribable.
So we thought we were at the end of the legal process. We were all prepared to go to court hear the sentencing and put this portion of the night mare behind us but that is not how it all worked out. As we were driving to drop the kids off, the clouds had rolled in and the sun was just poking through, I thought to myself how fitting, we are going to end this portion of the clouds and our family is ready for some sunshine. As we get to the juvenile court house my stomach is in knots, my head is pounding and I just want to get through the next hour. We walk through the metal detectors and of course I set them off, my buckle on my shoe. We get through and I squeeze my husbands hand for dear life. Walking into the court room I start scanning the room for my "friend" they are not in there yet. Our legal advocate says we are all good to go, no surprises. Not 2 minutes later the surprise came, They are not sentencing today they are just pleading guilty.
I thought hearing him say guilty would bring relief of some sort. I was overwhelmed with emotion and the tears just began to fall. I could feel myself losing control. The judge looks at me and I can't stop the hot tears pouring from my eyes. The Judge explains all the legal portions of what it entails to plead guilty. He then reads my children's initials and birth dates and says you are saying that you did sexual molest these children, to which he replied yes, and my stomach flipped. It is hard hearing your child tell you what happened to them but to hear the person who hurt them say yes, I did all those horrible things is another story. The judge continues to talk to the PUNK and we all sit there with tears in your eyes knowing what has happened. He then does something we have never seen he asks if the victims family is present. Yes we are all the ones with tears in our eyes. He then address us. He thank us for the letters that we sent in on how this has affected our family. he holds them up and I see my son's hand written letter on yellow paper. My hearts aches knowing how hard it was for Michael to write that letter. How proud he was of himself when he finished the letter. How when he closed the letter he said "Mr. Judge please send him to jail and keep me safe" It is hard to realize he may not serve one day in jail. He will remain on house arrest and go to counseling but it just doesn't seem enough. So it is still going ..... Next court date is April 14
In the weeks that followed we were giving statements to detectives, CPS, and Child counselors. Everyone tries so hard to help you sort out the legal process and the mental trials your child is going to go through. No one can prepare you for how this is going to affect so many areas of your life. the security your child feels is gone after being violated like this. They are scared to go out in public for fear that they may see this person. They sleep with the lights on every night so when they wake up with the nightmares they can make sure HE is not there. Weekly counseling appointments to help them digest all the feelings that they are going through. Sitting in those sessions watching your child deal with post traumatic stress disorder and curling up on the floor crying is more than any mother should have to endure.
The legal process is overwhelming and stressful as you attend all the hearings and just seeing this person again the emotional exhaustion you feel is indescribable.
So we thought we were at the end of the legal process. We were all prepared to go to court hear the sentencing and put this portion of the night mare behind us but that is not how it all worked out. As we were driving to drop the kids off, the clouds had rolled in and the sun was just poking through, I thought to myself how fitting, we are going to end this portion of the clouds and our family is ready for some sunshine. As we get to the juvenile court house my stomach is in knots, my head is pounding and I just want to get through the next hour. We walk through the metal detectors and of course I set them off, my buckle on my shoe. We get through and I squeeze my husbands hand for dear life. Walking into the court room I start scanning the room for my "friend" they are not in there yet. Our legal advocate says we are all good to go, no surprises. Not 2 minutes later the surprise came, They are not sentencing today they are just pleading guilty.
I thought hearing him say guilty would bring relief of some sort. I was overwhelmed with emotion and the tears just began to fall. I could feel myself losing control. The judge looks at me and I can't stop the hot tears pouring from my eyes. The Judge explains all the legal portions of what it entails to plead guilty. He then reads my children's initials and birth dates and says you are saying that you did sexual molest these children, to which he replied yes, and my stomach flipped. It is hard hearing your child tell you what happened to them but to hear the person who hurt them say yes, I did all those horrible things is another story. The judge continues to talk to the PUNK and we all sit there with tears in your eyes knowing what has happened. He then does something we have never seen he asks if the victims family is present. Yes we are all the ones with tears in our eyes. He then address us. He thank us for the letters that we sent in on how this has affected our family. he holds them up and I see my son's hand written letter on yellow paper. My hearts aches knowing how hard it was for Michael to write that letter. How proud he was of himself when he finished the letter. How when he closed the letter he said "Mr. Judge please send him to jail and keep me safe" It is hard to realize he may not serve one day in jail. He will remain on house arrest and go to counseling but it just doesn't seem enough. So it is still going ..... Next court date is April 14
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