He's out!!

Wow what a crazy day of emotional rollercoasters. So many unknowns are still there. Another day of appointments for Aaron Again. I will try to write about all the things that have transpired. Write again soon.

The countdown has begun!

Four days and a wake up. My Husband is getting released and I can hardly wait. We are filled with mixed emotions. If I knew that he could home to me and kids then we would be going crazy!! we are trying to figure out how to make this work. Aaron has to go to a halfway house till we can go back to court. I am wondering how do I split my time between the kids and my husband. He is really going to need me this coming weekend. the kids don't know that Daddy has moved and won't understand that because of a paper error they can't see their dad. My mind is swirling with all the changes that about to take place. I hope I can get my mind to focus on all that needs to be done. Tick tock, goes the clock we are are one minute closer to Aaron coming home.

The horror film continues

The last 24 hours have been very crazy here at my house. Yesterday my sister left to go back to Rockford I was feeling sad and lonely. While I was driving my phone beeped at me so I looked and somehow I had two voice mails. and one was my father in law, the other voice mail is the one that shook my world upside down again. I was thinking about the last time my sister came to visit me the day she left to go home was the day that I found out about my husbands "problem". This time I get a call telling me that my husband was thrown in the hole with no idea what happened. I didn't know if some one had hurt him. I paced the floors all afternoon and into the evening and kept wondering is he safe. I drove to Tacoma today to see if they would let me have a visit. I got a 2 visit. It is crazy we have no idea why he is there and what he is accused of. We were supposed to sign his release plan on Monday so we had a day of release.He was supposed to come home in 35 days> Is he coming home???

I never seem to see the end of light. There is a small glimmer of hope and then it is crushed in a instant. My world is constantly turning and to be quite honest I am feeling motion sickness from the constant turning upside downl I haven't slept in 24 hours and I have to work full time this week.

Crazy Monday on the way! Starts with Julia's therapy and then working all day and all I want to do is curl up and just stay away from me. I don't want to be out at all let me just exist. Wondering how and why? I just need to go !

My husband compared the the last three years to a horror film the beginning all is well and them the drama begins the midel of the movie is just dealing with the all the small hits that keep comming. the end you think the end is in sight and then the twist comes and you say to yourself I sure didn't see that comming. I sure am ready for the happy ending.

I need super glue!

Do you ever wonder how many time can your heart break before the broken piece don't come back together? Do I have a sign engraved upon my head that asks for trouble? I am really tired of being the one that always has drama in her life. I want a life that is just free of horrible things. I realize that every one has trials but AM I overreacting to feel I have had more than my share? I feel like I am constently trying to pick up the pieces and wondering am I broken beyond repair? My soul is broken, but I just don't have the energy to try. Sorry today is pity party day!

Can I have my wings yet?

When Aaron left I felt as if God had forgotten all about me. I asked God to show me if he still there. I looked out my window and saw four or five butterflies flying around. During the last 38 months Every time I see a butterfly I remember that God still cares for me. It has been a very long time that I have had to carry this burden of my husband being gone and being a single mother. there were days i felt I couldn't take one more day and then I would see a butterfly. IT was as if God was saying you can do it.

I have thought a lot about my situation and how similar it is to a butterfly. The caterpillar is enjoying life and crawling around like all is well. Then one day it is stopped and it is trapped inside this cocoon. I was enjoying my life and then it was all stopped and I was trapped in this cocoon of my marriage that was troulbed and my husband was going to be in Prison. I could have fought this cocoon but God knows what we needed. the caterpillar undergoes a life altering change but emerges this beautiful Butterfly. I have been in my Cocoon for almost four years now and the time is coming that i get to break out of my cocoon. My questions have I learned everything in my life altering trial? there were times I felt sufficated and wondered if I would survive but here we are almost at the end of this journey. I get nervous just thinking about all the changes we have under gone. Amazing!

When life seems out of control the little things matter.

I have a candle light and soft piano music playing you would think I would relax. My life seems to be in a constant whirlwind. I long for a simple life but it is to no avail. My life is crazy and dramatic. No one would believe all the things that happen to me.

God must really trust me because He sure gives me a lot to handle. Yesterday was a day that we had waited for almost 3 years. My husbands CCO (community custody officer) came to our house. Due to some language on Aaron's sentencing we were unsure if he would be allowed to return home to me and the kids. I t has been this dark cloud hanging over our heads will he ever come home. In My mind Will I ever get my family back?? I need my own space. I love my in laws but soon I want my own house. When our CCO came out I had scrubbed the entire house out of pure frustration. My father in law and I prayed that she would see the type of family we are and let Aaron come home to us. It was truly amazing how little time she spent with us. She was in and out and Gave the best news I have had in a long time. She doesn't see any reason that my husband can't come home to his family. We are not done with the approval process but this was the first hurdle and a large one. We just need a few more miracles to make it a reality. Only 51 more days and my husband will be home.

How many times can your heart break??

Missing my Hero

Today is 11 years that I lost my mom. I long to pick up the phone and talk with her. Some people don't have great relationships with their mom and I want to tell them that you will miss them when they are gone. We take so many things for granted in our life like that our loved ones will always be there. No matter how old I am I still look and long for approval from my Mom. When I have a bad day I wish I had her to talk to.

The last four years of my life have been back to back trials. Trouble in my marriage, Health problems, life changing surgery, job changes, sick child and most recently finding out your child has been abused during each of these trials I long to hear my mom say you will be ok. I long for validation from her that I have made the right decisions. My mom was always so much fun i want my kids to say that about me and lately they would say mommy is stressed out. My mom knew how to balance her life. She knew what to let go and when to just stop and have fun. Tonight as I pillow my head I thank God for the time that I had with my mom. She was truly amazing.

When I am old and Gray( I am already gray) I hope to be half the mom that my mom was she truly is my hero. A hero is one who helps others and that others can strive to be be like. that was my mother. A true American Hero. Judy Kay Blomberg Tucker 1944-1998
There isn't a day that goes by that you are not missed.

Emotionally spent

Ok I have been through the wringer and wonder how to pick up the pieces. I am filled with so much confusion on how to handle everything that is coming with what has happened to Julia. My mind doesn't rest I want to just scream!!I lay in bed and the anxiety begins to sweep over me like a heavy blanket that I can't move. I feel so alone that i wonder do people care? I am carrying this huge heart ache and only my family knows my pain.Can I take one day??

Lord, I can't take much more!

Ok<>

As a mom I  just want to scream how could this have happened to my child??I am so careful about everything I expose them to and now she has been "molested" Why God?? That goodness it wasn't anything horrible but still trauma in her young life.It could have been a lot worse. My heart is broken in so many ways I don't even know where to begin to process all this information. I just want to take a break and digest everything but No rest for a single mom.

Maybe I can sleep tonight with our nightmares!!

Well, here we go I am trying blogging . Warning I am not a writer! Grammar is not my friend. The doctor suggested  that I journal to help with Stress! So many things to journal about but I don't who wants to know or even really cares about my crazy life.

I am trying to change my eating habits and work on reducing my stress. The kids are taking swimming lessons twice a week so I try to work out for at least a half hour on those days. Boy am I out of shape.  I walk the track for  10 minutes, 10 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes  on the treadmill. So we will keep trying to reduce the stress and be healthy.

Update on Julia~ we are still awaiting the test result of her seizures. This is a very long month for us as we wait for our next appointment at Children's Hospital. She is also going through some difficult things emotionally. The girl needs lot's of love right now.

Michael is growing up so fast! He is  doing great at homeschooling! what an amazing change in his confidence since we changed schooling options.

Wow, I did my first Blogg!